My fear owned me.

My fear owned me | blog | Sanne Marcusse

Fear, like being scared as hell, was a common thread in my life for almost all my life.

And I think a lot of people will recognize some fears you can have when you are a child. Like being afraid of a monster under your bed, being afraid of the dark, running up the stairs and thinking that someone wants to grab you or the fear after watching an intense movie.

All those things were my fears too, but they didn’t go away when I grew up.

When I was 15 years old, my English teacher thought it was a good idea to watch a horror movie in class. I mostly closed my eyes during that movie, but I still saw and heard things which had a huge impact on me. I was terrified after that movie and I couldn’t fell in sleep for weeks. I even slept in my parents room because I couldn’t be alone in my own room. Well, that’s not fun when you are 15 years old.

And I still can see those images from that in my head. It’s a trauma.

A few years later I went to live together with my boyfriend (now my husband), and my fear for a lot of things were still a huge part in my life. I couldn’t be alone in the evenings, if I came home in the dark my boyfriend had to come to the barn because I was to scared to put my bicycle there on my own. I couldn’t (and still can) barely watch movies or series. If my boyfriend had to work late, I waited on the couch until he was home and so on…

My fear had a big impact on our life.

When I became a mother, it changed a little bit. I think it changed because I had more responsibility, and I had to take care of someone. I had to be the safe place for my baby. So it changed, but it was still there in a lot of ways.

After having my second baby, I started working a lot on my personal development and growth. I grew in a lot of ways, but the biggest game changer was that I decided to take ownership about myself and my life. I took responsibility.

Right now, some years later, my life is totally different and even is my fear. My husband recently was two full weeks from home for work. And my fear is almost gone. It’s still there in the background at some moments, but that’s nothing when I look at where I come from. I just did it and I feel so strong and powerful that I am able to be alone in my own home now.

A few years ago, my husband could not go away from home for just one night. I never could be alone, and now I just did it.

And again, I made the impossible possible for myself.

I was reflecting on this for myself and I was thinking of how I changed and how my fear changed, without focussing on it. I never decided to do something about my fear.

My conclusion was that by taking ownership about myself and my life, and growing in that, I became the powerful woman I always was deep inside. But because my fear owned me, I couldn’t see and feel that. I was extremely depended and felt powerless.

I think this is a great example of how everything can change, when you take ownership. And also how that impacts your world and the people around you.

Because I have changed, everything has changed.

How does fear impact your life right now?

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